“Sometimes I think God put certain people in my life simply to see whether my boiling points are still active. Sadly, they still are.”

I tweet that some time ago.

Lately I’ve been experiencing situations where my emotions are at stake. Full of drama, plenty of crap (sorry), zero peace. Forget about the fruit of the Spirit, let alone the self-control part, I still have a LOT to learn.

I love how For King & Country describe it in their song “Middle of Your Heart”:

This is where I admit
I don’t know how to handle it
Life in all of it chaos
You are my only hope

Although God knows everything, it’s important that we admit to Him that we cannot handle life and all the chaos inside it. In all the madness that’s been going on in this world, Jesus is our only hope. Our only peace. Dare I say, only those who have been through madness itself can deeply relate to this. Myself included.

The “madness” I’m talking about is in our private, daily lives; how we can’t handle tons of things at work, how we can’t solve those problems at home or how we can’t accept losing someone we care about. We all have our “madness buttons”. Yours and mine are different. Maybe you can handle well the things that I want to give up quickly. And vice versa.

As humans, we want to be in control. Of everything, if possible. When we’re in control, we feel certain peace. That is natural. But sometimes we forgot that there is a God and He is in control. It may not seem like it, but when we obey His Word and live by faith, we will see that God is behind this every step of the way.

The world’s kind of peace and God’s kind are totally different. Worldly peace makes you feel safe when you see everything goes well and smooth. Godly peace assures you you are safe even though you’re in the middle of an F5 hurricane.

I’m going through circumstances that seem quite impossible for a human to face by herself. But I’m here. Still here. I believe it means God knows I can go through these tough times – with His strength and wisdom, of course. Honestly, I’m dealing with situations that often makes me say, “God, what the heck is it now?! You know very well I cannot do that!!!”

But I just figured this out:

God has more faith in me than I in myself.


It is true though. Many times we almost or already gave up on ourselves when to God it was just another step that we should take, another road we should travel. And yet, somehow, we fail to see it that way.

Rick Warren said, “Until you’re sold out to Jesus, you’ll always be for sale to the highest bidding temptation.” I know this one far too well. If it wasn’t for Jesus, I’d still have those holes in my lungs and would probably be dead by now. All because, in my youth, I fell into my biggest temptation – smoking. Later on, it became excessive smoking. Doctors had given up; the holes were too many and no medication could heal me. They said there was no hope.

So, two things I knew for sure: I could never stop smoking and I would die young because of it.

After some time, I finally came back to God. When I repented for the 10.528.369th time, He changed me from the inside out. I quit smoking completely. Next thing I knew, the holes were gone. My lungs were totally clean, like I’ve never smoked a cigarette my whole life. Doctors couldn’t believe it. They thought the nurse brought in the wrong medical records. They examined me again. And again. And then they asked what kind of medicine did I take? What method did I use? Who did I go to for treatments? I said to them, while trembling in shock but beyond grateful, “I am a Christian, I believe my Jesus healed me.” I left while they were still in awe that I literally did not do anything to make those holes disappear.

I was, I am and forever will be incandescently happy and grateful that God loves me so much, He wouldn’t let me die before my time.

I’m not proud of my past, my mistakes and my scars. But I don’t hide them. If the time is right, I talk about my scars – not to brag, but to let people know that Jesus lives and He heals. If you feel like you’ve been torn to pieces, that is actually the right time to come to Jesus – just give Him all the pieces and trust that He will make all things new for you.

In this hectic, messy, mad world, Jesus is my peace.

Let Him be yours.

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 4:7 / New International Version (NIV)



2 comments on “Peace

  1. catherine says:

    Ella, this is perhaps the most beautiful thing you’ve ever written. thanks for sharing your story with me.



  2. ellaherself says:

    Gosh. I didn’t expect this, Cathy, I really didn’t. Because this was the first time I bluntly opened things up; all there for you to read, crystal clear. But I do thank you, really. Love you too, dearest :)

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